Love me like this...

Beauty free and flowing 

Freedom that knows no bounds.

Carefree Love that sees no perfection in my being...

Today I received a gift from a fellow admirer.

The most beautiful bird in the prettiest of cages.

Her wings were bright, sleek, and unruffled.

The cage was gold and had shiny things hanging all over.

He was sweet enough to place a mirror in the cage so the bird could admire her own beauty.

As he handed it to me he whispered in my ear, 

"This bird represents our Love."

His cold lips pressed to my cheek.

At that moment it meant nothing more to me but a sweet gesture. 

I placed the bird close to a window so she could feel the warmth of the sun.

She would chirp and flutter around her cage daily.  

This young vibrant bird was so energetic & graceful.

Day after Day her cheery nature would brighten my moods.

Early one morning I had noticed her chirping became quiet and faint.

The brilliance of her color has slowly fading into a dull almost colorless blend. 

She would just sit perched on the branch facing the window.

The sparkle in her tiny beaded black eyes was no more then pits of emptiness.

As I sat back in my chair, I noticed that I too was staring out that same window. 

Longing to stretch out my own wings and feel its invigorating lift to my soul.

Realizing that like this little bird, I too was caged.   Caged in my own body to a man.

His arms are the gold steel rods and his love is the shiny things that capture my attention. 

The mirror was so I could see what he was turning me into.

Weeks passed and months tun to years...

No more did I hear the chirping or the fluttering,

No more did my soul sing and no more did my feet have bountiful steps.

All there is to do now is to join my soul among the dark despair that has fallen upon it...

Sitting at that desk day after day routinely I notice this tapping noise...

It was Life so sweetly rapping at that window in the form of a long lively green tree branch in the wind...

In that instance I ran to the window, swung it open and as the wind swept in a cool breeze, I took a deep breath and was gone...

Just a whisper in the breeze....

Now and Only now does that little Bird Sing.....

Emotional Battle

LOVE

The hate I feel for that word grows stronger each day.

Its agony in such a sweet form.

Four letters that bring a Heavy Burden.

LOVE

You speak it with such ease.

My throat clinches as I try to swallow it.

So candy coated and sweet but so poisonous in the end.

LOVE

The weakest of people cling to it as though it was last hope.

Its the very substance of our own self Hate.

It requires your submission for its dominance.

LOVE vs. HATE

Which of these is greater.

One brings Sweet Companionship and Devastation when taken away.

And the other doesn't allow the Vulnerability that causes the Devastation.

How can something as Great as Love require Us to Expose our Weakest Spots to obtain it?

HATE

The Sting of this is Far Greater.

Once you have embraced this feeling you will find Love less.

Its a relief among the Pain.

HATE

It sharpens your Heart and Dulls your weakness.

It requires so little of you.

But consumes every part of you at the same time.

HATE

It pulls its power from Solidarity.

The more alone you are the More powerful you can be.

How do you measure such a Force of Emotion?

HATE vs. LOVE

Hate can overcome Love with the simplest of ease.

One will leave you a Hard Cold shell of a Person.

The other will leave you Thriving for the Next Fix.

Why does Hate come at such a High Cost? All consuming and relentless to anyone who crosses it!

So in this battle you have Love & Hate. One Builds you up as a Warrior and the Other Breaks you down and then turns you to stone. One allows you a conscience and remorse. The other makes your Heartless and Unforgiving.

Choose wisely for each of these is Great.

Open Your Eyes

Long after the dance had ended we find ourselves here...

Standing at this crossroad,
Me on One side and You on the Other.
All that stands between is what you wont let go of.
The Lies, the hurt, the love, the emotions.
I have offered you my hand to hold so we can Walk this together.
But you refuse to let go of your baggage.
I am begging you to please take my hand.
Let me be the One thing in your life that is Good.
Be my future, Be my happiness, & Be by my side.
I want you as my equal & be my other half.
But you do not seem to see me nor hear me.
I am crying out for you! PLEASE!
In my desperation make me whole!
I will never leave your shadow because I know that together we will be Great.
This is the last time I offer you my hand...
After this I shall turn away from you and Leave.
Never again will you gaze up on my smiling face as I see you.
Never again will you feel the warmth of my embrace.
And never again will you taste the Love, that I have for you, upon my lips.
Do Not Regret Me!
I love you always...but my heart is not yours anymore!

My Innocences

Someone once asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. As a child my answer was probably something that was unrealistic. But isn't that how dreams start? In the innocence of our childhood we could accomplish anything as long as we were home by the time the street lamps came on. When I was about 8 or 9, I remember putting on my dress up clothes and just twirling around in my backyard singing and just being in a wonderful dream land where there was what seemed like a never ending field of flowers and green grass. I could feel the breeze, smell the flowers, and just run for miles and still be alone. I loved every minute of it. I never just sang any song that I knew by heart it was always some song that I just made up, it was a song that was just imbedded in my heart. In all the chaos of being a young overly active child I found such solitude and peace when I was in my backyard wearing and old tattered dress singing at the top of my lungs, about Love and Romance. But at that age we see Love and Romance in the physical form of Prince Charming. As a little girl I always found that being the Damsel in Distress was the most romantic. I had a perception on my life that I was going to be that Princess in need of rescuing. Oh how wonderful that would have been.
But along the way you have to grow up. You find yourself struggling with that once so vivid fantasy world and the world you live in. Somewhere along that path I lost my fantasy. I lost the most precious thing in my life and that was my innocence. My childhood, My fantasy world, My Love and My Romance. It seemed like I was stranded without my Happily Ever After.
Now that I am grown and I look back at my childhood, I find it hard to just relish in the happiness because it ended too soon. How does a child go from dressing up and singing about Love to dealing with Sex and Lust. I can tell you exactly when I lost my innocence. I was thrown into the world with disillusions and heartache at the age of 11. I found myself looking for my Prince Charming in a bed. I found myself looking for that Love and Romance, I so desperately longed for, in MEN. As a grown woman I have shared my bed with men that were Toads and Trolls. Just to find that Love that was stripped from me.
Never take for granted the innocence of a child, Never stop a child from dreaming. In the minds of children lies untouched worlds and freedom to be whatever they want. What I would give to go back, even for a second, and reconnect with that world where nothing can harm you, where you are surrounded by love, joy and peace.
The passion of a child could change the hearts of millions, or at least the heart of a tired dreamer.

Finally...

Why dont I just rip my heart out and stomp on it for you?!The damage would be the same but the anger would be different.I stood there shaking with the phone in my hands. Trying to think of the nextthing to txt you. My Mind draws a blank. I am panting in dispair.Tears streaming down my cheeks. Smeared mascara. Smudged Lipstick.I throw my phone and start running. The sting of the rain splashing against my face as I run faster. My fear is quick at my feet. My hurt is near to my heel. My anger wraps around my ankles. I can feel the tension. Gasping for air I run harder. I am going to beat this. I will not lose anymore. My heart pounding in my chest. I can heart it in my ears.In a single release I trip and fall. I roll and skid against the concrete. Scraping my knees and hands. I lay there in complete pain. This is what it feels like to break free. Physical Pain and Physical Damage. All that is left are bruises and flesh wounds. My heart left intact and safe. No more will my heart withstand damage caused by others! I have WON!

He said Goodbye

Standing there looking up at him. He holds both of my arms in his firm grasp. He looks so deeply into my eyes. And I know what is coming. With his last kiss so fresh upon my lips I cannot imagine him saying the words. I cannot help but he distracted by the little mole on his cheek and the hair that sweeps over his eye when he looks down at me. My heart is pounding in my chest. Just being held by him causes such a panic inside of me. He makes me feel like a child who has no sense of time or importance. I am spinning in my head. I see his mouth moving and I see the seriousness with his expressive brows. But my ears only hear the sweet song of love that he sang to me on the lake shore that summer. Ah that summer we played like foolish children. We danced around in the fields with not a care in the world. With a forceful shake I am brought back to focus. As I am struggling to understand. A single tear rolls down his face. I go to wipe it and he turns his head away from me. What have I done? Where have I gone wrong? How can my touch that was once so wanted become something to despise. My eyes are looking around in confusion. Then he says it. The words that brought my heart to my throat. Its Over. Good Bye.In complete shock I stand there. How did I miss this? How could I of been so blind by my own desire that I couldnt even stop him from leaving. I drop my head in disbelief and heartache. I could still feel the warmth of his hands still on my arms. As quick as that warmth faded into nothing...he was gone.

Settled Love

I dreamed of you lastnight and it was Sadly Sweet.
For it was not you whom I was there to greet.
As I awaited your smiling face,
Twas your Brother that stood in your place.
Tall and Dark just the SameBut for this man I did not know his name.
He took me by the hand and said Hello,His grasp was firm as to not let go.
I grinned and greeted back.
He was as handsome as the day was long.
But he was not you and that was my sad song.
He said all the right things,And his charm was like 14th Century Kings.
In the midst of the laughter my heart grew sad,
Knowing that You are a Man I cannot have.
He lifted my face and whispered in my ear,
"I know you love him it's very clear, but Stay with me and I will love you my Dear."
He leaned in and placed a single kiss upon my lips,
I experienced a shock down into my deepest pits.
As we kissed it become all to familiar.
My heart longed for it to be you again.
But I accepted my fate and There with your Brother I have taken my Place.

My Maniacal Mind

The Hate.
My Fear.
The Loneliness.
My Decisions.
The Resentment.
My Love.
The Loyalty.
My Betrayal.
The Truth.
My Lies.

I hate your touch.
My craving for love.
I hate you looking at me.
My want for attention.
I hate your voice.
My need for direction.
I hate your heart.
My longing for love.

The Good.
My Evil.
The Righteous.
My Wrong Doing.
The Only.
My Many.
The Alive.
My Death.
The Straight.
My Twisted.

Its the smoke after the Fire.
I am holding the gasoline.
Its the sickness I feel.
I am drinking the poison.
Its the walk back.
I am lost.
Its the simplicity of nothing.
I am the one with everything.

The chasing of an incomplete circle that leads back to an end that is not there.

The end of the story that puts you right back at the beginning.

Knowing that the knowlegdge you know holds no value in life.

Its up when you want to go down and left when you want to go right.

The searching of a treasure that has no more value then self realization.

Its the life that has been given to us that we just throw away.

The map with the directions on them that flies out the window.

The breeze through the trees that carries the fires farther.

Its the Self Destructive Nature of this Life. Its the Chaos all around us.