Emotional Randomness

How many times can you walk out of one door and never notice that its broken?

How often can you trip over something before you stop to pick it up?

How many times can you apologize before you realize that its already done?

If I told you that I was leaving would you chase me down to stop me?

Would you stand there and watch me leave?

Or would you open the door for me?

Why have I become something so easily to disregard?

You hold me so close and yet push me so far away!

The pain that your embraces causes me is almost unbearable.

Almost to the point that I still come back.

I feel sort of stupid when I think that I love you.

Because I know you dont love me.

Your that wave that crashes to the shore but leaves just as soon as it comes.

Nothing shows you were there but a line of silt in the sand.

Can I compare you to something as minor as Silt?

Have you not been important enough to leave more then that?

Why cant I seem to recall any good you have brought into my life?

I smile when I see you but then frown after talking to you.

How can you be such a Disease when Your just as much the Cure?

I feel like an addict stuck in a mirrored room.

LOST, CONFUSED, And DISTORTED!

Open Your Eyes

Long after the dance had ended we find ourselves here...

Standing at this crossroad,
Me on One side and You on the Other.
All that stands between is what you wont let go of.
The Lies, the hurt, the love, the emotions.
I have offered you my hand to hold so we can Walk this together.
But you refuse to let go of your baggage.
I am begging you to please take my hand.
Let me be the One thing in your life that is Good.
Be my future, Be my happiness, & Be by my side.
I want you as my equal & be my other half.
But you do not seem to see me nor hear me.
I am crying out for you! PLEASE!
In my desperation make me whole!
I will never leave your shadow because I know that together we will be Great.
This is the last time I offer you my hand...
After this I shall turn away from you and Leave.
Never again will you gaze up on my smiling face as I see you.
Never again will you feel the warmth of my embrace.
And never again will you taste the Love, that I have for you, upon my lips.
Do Not Regret Me!
I love you always...but my heart is not yours anymore!

Me & My Ghost

This is the last tear that I will cry because of you.
My pain will now be my motivation to hate you more.
You have left me with something I can never get rid of.
The Ghost of You haunts me more then my own mistakes in the dark.
You follow me like a rain cloud, when I find a little happiness you pour down sadness.
Im living with a Good bye that I never got.
A door that will never be closed, A hole in my Heart that will never be filled.
I hope you can see just how much pain you have caused me by your death.
I just wish I could kiss you once more.
I just want to see your face, just one glance.
I want to smell your skin one last time.
I just want to feel you touch just for a second.
Why have you done this? Why did you chose Him? Why did you pick Me?
Why have I been left so broken that I cannot fix myself nor can anyone else.
Why cant I find my Happiness that once could be seen for miles.
WHY DO I CARRY THIS ALONE???

Tears of a Regretful Mother

Sitting in my truck with a pen and folded paper. On this folded paper reads the very last things that I would ever say. "To My Children...I have tried to be the best mother that I could be. Your smiling faces and laughter will never be forgotten. Every kiss that I had given you in the night while you were asleep will be with me always. This is not your fault. And I love you.To My Parents...I am sorry that I have never been the perfect daughter that you expected but I am not sorry that I was who I am. You two have been my Rock. Daddy, I love you and I forgive you. Mom, I love you and You have been the best Mother that I could never of been. And to Carlos...I am sorry I was so selfish with my own life to never be there for yours. I LOVE YOU ALL DEARLY!"I get out of my truck and start walking. Standing here I can see the miles of endless ocean. I can feel every rain drop land on my face and roll down my cheeks hiding my tears. I stand here with my heart bearing a heavy burden. My mind is weighted down by my endless regrets of my life. As I am standing on the edge of this cliff, 3 things become certain for me. First there is no turning back, Secondly I am sorry, and Thirdly I love you. I step closer to the ledge to look down. As I lean over I can feel the mist of the angry waves slashing against the jagged rocks below. A gust of wind slams into me and I almost lose my balance. I drop to my knees. "I am sorry, I know this isnt how its suppose to be. The Pain and Regret have over taken my heart! My heart struggles to beat under all of this. I shouted with my hands clinched into fists. "Theres nothing ever wrong but nothings ever right...Its such a Cruel Contridiction." I can feel it starting to rain harder and I can hear the sea lashing out against the rocks even harder. Each breath becomes harder to take as my frustrations overtake me. Finally I come to my feet and start walking back to my truck. I can barely see the headlights due to the thick midnight Fog. Stopping in front of my truck I turn and just stand there blankly looking into the night.

I START TO RUN...I AM RUNNING SO FAST THAT I FEEL AS IF MY FEET HAD WINGS...I LEAP OFF THE CLIFF WITH MY ARMS OUT STRETCHED...THE FEELING OF FALLING WAS SUPREMELY SATISFYING...THE FREEDOM I FELT IN THOSE LAST SECONDS WAS MORE THEN I HAD EVER FELT IN MY LIFE....... These are the tears of my life. I hope that you know each one was for a hurt that I have felt.

He said Goodbye

Standing there looking up at him. He holds both of my arms in his firm grasp. He looks so deeply into my eyes. And I know what is coming. With his last kiss so fresh upon my lips I cannot imagine him saying the words. I cannot help but he distracted by the little mole on his cheek and the hair that sweeps over his eye when he looks down at me. My heart is pounding in my chest. Just being held by him causes such a panic inside of me. He makes me feel like a child who has no sense of time or importance. I am spinning in my head. I see his mouth moving and I see the seriousness with his expressive brows. But my ears only hear the sweet song of love that he sang to me on the lake shore that summer. Ah that summer we played like foolish children. We danced around in the fields with not a care in the world. With a forceful shake I am brought back to focus. As I am struggling to understand. A single tear rolls down his face. I go to wipe it and he turns his head away from me. What have I done? Where have I gone wrong? How can my touch that was once so wanted become something to despise. My eyes are looking around in confusion. Then he says it. The words that brought my heart to my throat. Its Over. Good Bye.In complete shock I stand there. How did I miss this? How could I of been so blind by my own desire that I couldnt even stop him from leaving. I drop my head in disbelief and heartache. I could still feel the warmth of his hands still on my arms. As quick as that warmth faded into nothing...he was gone.

My Maniacal Mind

The Hate.
My Fear.
The Loneliness.
My Decisions.
The Resentment.
My Love.
The Loyalty.
My Betrayal.
The Truth.
My Lies.

I hate your touch.
My craving for love.
I hate you looking at me.
My want for attention.
I hate your voice.
My need for direction.
I hate your heart.
My longing for love.

The Good.
My Evil.
The Righteous.
My Wrong Doing.
The Only.
My Many.
The Alive.
My Death.
The Straight.
My Twisted.

Its the smoke after the Fire.
I am holding the gasoline.
Its the sickness I feel.
I am drinking the poison.
Its the walk back.
I am lost.
Its the simplicity of nothing.
I am the one with everything.

The chasing of an incomplete circle that leads back to an end that is not there.

The end of the story that puts you right back at the beginning.

Knowing that the knowlegdge you know holds no value in life.

Its up when you want to go down and left when you want to go right.

The searching of a treasure that has no more value then self realization.

Its the life that has been given to us that we just throw away.

The map with the directions on them that flies out the window.

The breeze through the trees that carries the fires farther.

Its the Self Destructive Nature of this Life. Its the Chaos all around us.