Emotional Randomness

How many times can you walk out of one door and never notice that its broken?

How often can you trip over something before you stop to pick it up?

How many times can you apologize before you realize that its already done?

If I told you that I was leaving would you chase me down to stop me?

Would you stand there and watch me leave?

Or would you open the door for me?

Why have I become something so easily to disregard?

You hold me so close and yet push me so far away!

The pain that your embraces causes me is almost unbearable.

Almost to the point that I still come back.

I feel sort of stupid when I think that I love you.

Because I know you dont love me.

Your that wave that crashes to the shore but leaves just as soon as it comes.

Nothing shows you were there but a line of silt in the sand.

Can I compare you to something as minor as Silt?

Have you not been important enough to leave more then that?

Why cant I seem to recall any good you have brought into my life?

I smile when I see you but then frown after talking to you.

How can you be such a Disease when Your just as much the Cure?

I feel like an addict stuck in a mirrored room.

LOST, CONFUSED, And DISTORTED!

Emotional Battle

LOVE

The hate I feel for that word grows stronger each day.

Its agony in such a sweet form.

Four letters that bring a Heavy Burden.

LOVE

You speak it with such ease.

My throat clinches as I try to swallow it.

So candy coated and sweet but so poisonous in the end.

LOVE

The weakest of people cling to it as though it was last hope.

Its the very substance of our own self Hate.

It requires your submission for its dominance.

LOVE vs. HATE

Which of these is greater.

One brings Sweet Companionship and Devastation when taken away.

And the other doesn't allow the Vulnerability that causes the Devastation.

How can something as Great as Love require Us to Expose our Weakest Spots to obtain it?

HATE

The Sting of this is Far Greater.

Once you have embraced this feeling you will find Love less.

Its a relief among the Pain.

HATE

It sharpens your Heart and Dulls your weakness.

It requires so little of you.

But consumes every part of you at the same time.

HATE

It pulls its power from Solidarity.

The more alone you are the More powerful you can be.

How do you measure such a Force of Emotion?

HATE vs. LOVE

Hate can overcome Love with the simplest of ease.

One will leave you a Hard Cold shell of a Person.

The other will leave you Thriving for the Next Fix.

Why does Hate come at such a High Cost? All consuming and relentless to anyone who crosses it!

So in this battle you have Love & Hate. One Builds you up as a Warrior and the Other Breaks you down and then turns you to stone. One allows you a conscience and remorse. The other makes your Heartless and Unforgiving.

Choose wisely for each of these is Great.

The Darkness around Me

I stood in the rain so I could hide my tears.
I walked the road barefooted and soaked to try and find solis in my rage.
All I could find was darkness around me.
I dropped my head in anguish just wishing for another chance.
Another chance to see him. Even if it meant watching him leave again.
"Oh God grant me one Prayer", as I yelled it into the never ending darkness of that Stormy Night.
It seemed as if in that moment my hopelissness overwhelmed me.
I dropped to my knees in the middle of the road. My sobs were now pain filled cries to the darkness.
What little bit of Love and Hope I held in my heart for being Happy was now full of black anger, hate, resentment, and unforgiveness.
And all of a sudden a very calm serene feeling came across me. Sort of an embrace. Thinking God had answered my prayers. I stood up to Capture my love in my arms.
I was confronted by this being of such Supreme Supernatural Holiness that I could not even look upon its face. Sheilding my eyes with my hands I felt as if I was being pulled towards this Great Being.
In my head I could hear my name being called by a Very Strong Demanding voice, "Anna come to me", I was hesitant to move. "Anna come to me!", finally I had such a spiritual attraction to this voice that I could not stand still any longer.
I released my self to this Being. As quickly as I let go I could feel the embrace become tighter. There was a feeling of security, of Love, and of Trust. It was as if I knew where I was and felt quickly at peace. Just as I did when I was a baby being held in the warm secure arms of my mother.
A sort of deep sleep fell upon me.
Then the voice came back just as strong as before. The voice reminded me of my fathers, strong, and yet very gentle.
"My child why do you seek me in the darkness? Have I not been there for you in the light of day?"
I felt as if there was no response needed. As if he already knew my answer.
"I have been watching you since your first heartbeat, since your first tear, since your first step, and since you first came to know of me. You have always known in your heart who I was. And you have always sought me out when times were good. Why now do you search for me in the Darkness?"
"I have given you light so that you may find me. I have given you all the tools you need to find me and know where I am. I live in you, I am a part of You, I am your father, your maker, your beginning and your end. I am the Creator. If you are thirsty then I will let you drink from the River of Life. But you must come to me, as I am and always will be standing with arms wide opened."
In that moment I felt the slow rain drizzling on my face. I opened my eyes to see the storm clouds were rolling away. And with those clouds my anger, hate, resentment, and unforgiveness went with them. I seemed to of found myself in the most unlikely place and circumstance.

My Innocences

Someone once asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. As a child my answer was probably something that was unrealistic. But isn't that how dreams start? In the innocence of our childhood we could accomplish anything as long as we were home by the time the street lamps came on. When I was about 8 or 9, I remember putting on my dress up clothes and just twirling around in my backyard singing and just being in a wonderful dream land where there was what seemed like a never ending field of flowers and green grass. I could feel the breeze, smell the flowers, and just run for miles and still be alone. I loved every minute of it. I never just sang any song that I knew by heart it was always some song that I just made up, it was a song that was just imbedded in my heart. In all the chaos of being a young overly active child I found such solitude and peace when I was in my backyard wearing and old tattered dress singing at the top of my lungs, about Love and Romance. But at that age we see Love and Romance in the physical form of Prince Charming. As a little girl I always found that being the Damsel in Distress was the most romantic. I had a perception on my life that I was going to be that Princess in need of rescuing. Oh how wonderful that would have been.
But along the way you have to grow up. You find yourself struggling with that once so vivid fantasy world and the world you live in. Somewhere along that path I lost my fantasy. I lost the most precious thing in my life and that was my innocence. My childhood, My fantasy world, My Love and My Romance. It seemed like I was stranded without my Happily Ever After.
Now that I am grown and I look back at my childhood, I find it hard to just relish in the happiness because it ended too soon. How does a child go from dressing up and singing about Love to dealing with Sex and Lust. I can tell you exactly when I lost my innocence. I was thrown into the world with disillusions and heartache at the age of 11. I found myself looking for my Prince Charming in a bed. I found myself looking for that Love and Romance, I so desperately longed for, in MEN. As a grown woman I have shared my bed with men that were Toads and Trolls. Just to find that Love that was stripped from me.
Never take for granted the innocence of a child, Never stop a child from dreaming. In the minds of children lies untouched worlds and freedom to be whatever they want. What I would give to go back, even for a second, and reconnect with that world where nothing can harm you, where you are surrounded by love, joy and peace.
The passion of a child could change the hearts of millions, or at least the heart of a tired dreamer.