Here

He stood there chuckling as if he were amusing by attempting to put his finger in my nose.

Annoyied and irritated were starting to replace happy and carefree when we were together.

The stupid look on his face as I talked to him was the worse. He always thought it was cute.

I guess my misleading giggles were what encouraged him.

He reminded me of the washed up clown that had achieved nothing in life and was just clinging to his old routine.

Too bad Im not a 4 year old child drooling as I gazed in complete wonder at his Hysterical act..

Seems I am always waiting for that stupid rubber chicken to come out of his pocket when he reaches for his wallet.

I swear some day it will be there!!

Often while I lay next to him at night I cant help but feel like a mother to him.

I run my hand over his forehead and into his hair.

Just watching him sleep makes me realize that under all this silliness is a man.

A very lost man...I wonder different ways that I can help him find his way.

But I know that I am not the one for this!

His journey has to start with him. Helplessness falls upon me when I realize that.

Letting him go seems to be the best thing because I know that us together is not good.

I am struggling to find my own way in life. How can I take on both of us?

Maybe that is why I am angry...

Angry that I cannot help him while trying to help myself. Angry that my life isn't where I would like it to be.

I realized after my 26th birthday that I was living in Denial about my whole life.

Never really thought I was unhappy until recently. I guess its just something that I have to get use to.

The thought of disappearing settles my mind, althougth I know its impossible!

Just in a poof of smoke I would be gone...and leave people wondering! The greatest deception of all!

The glitter & glitz of the spotlight. Showing people only what they want to see. Being the tricky sneak!

So what makes my disappearing act any different then the washed up clown?

Seems like we are both rowing the same boat...just in differnt directions!!

Choking Silence

Sitting in a candle lit bathroom relaxing in a hot tub.

I lay back with the heavy weight of our first fight.

Trying to solve the situation in my head but coming to a dead end.

Just one room away from you I know you can hear me talking.

Provoking the situation I say things that I know will cut you to the core.

Sad when I cannot get any emotion from you but anger!

But at least it is something.

I took your silence as an insult. So I grasped my glass of vodka and drank.

Setting it down on the side of the tub, I closed my eyes and lay back in the water.

With my eyes closed I could still see the flickering light of the candle on my eyelids.

The only sound I could hear was my heart beat and my deep breathes.

Falling into a calm sleep I just floated there.

As I laid there I had a feeling come over me like a Dark Cloud.

I open my eyes and grasp the side of the tub.

You stood over me with eyes of Rage.

The candle light cast a shadow across your face that Left me terrified.

My glass of vodka fell into the tub and broke, with one swift move your hands wrapped around my neck.

You plunge my head into the water…Scratching and fighting, I try to pry your hands away.

I could still see your face as I was submerged under the water. Unclear but the look stayed the same.

The Rage could be felt with your tight grip.

It seemed the more I struggled the harder you tried to keep me under.

All the love that we shared and all the passion we had was No longer there.

Your passion was no longer about loving me but letting me go,

And in my death would that be.

The unconsciousness was starting to set in. I could feel my life slipping away.

I made my final attempt to save myself. But I was too late.

My last gasp for air filled my lungs with water. At first it was painful but was

quickly relieved with the numbness of death.

A tingly feeling came across my body; I guess that was my soul leaving me.

That heart beat I once could hear so clearly was nothing more then a slow steady fade into a Choking Silence.

A True Crime of Passion.

Murderous Love & Passionate Jealousy

Both are something I crave and yet I am terrified of.

Who could love me so much and feel so much?

What type of man would that bring to my door?

I know just the type of man.

I met him one night while out on the town.

He stood there dark & mysterious.

His face was clean shaven and smooth.

His body was sturdy and tone and his eyes were deep endless pools of desire.

In the moment we shared of eye contact I felt as though I was drowning.

Being brought back to my reality by the shake of a friend, I shook off his enchantment.

Danger is all I felt that whole night when I saw his face, but my insides yearned for him.

In the middle of this crowded dance floor with my friends we were all just dancing and laughing. And his face begins to fade in the drunken haze of the night. Stumbling off the dance floor I feel some grab me by my waist and embrace me tightly. In a panic I tried to release his grip but he was reluctant to let go. Instead he pulled me close, so close I could feel his breath on the back of my neck. Chills over whelmed my body. As we slowly danced to the music my heart was on fire. Who is this man? Why do I feel like this? I have fallen into a spider web and lay helplessly awaiting the bit!

(INCOMPLETE)

Worthless

I went to an Art Gallery today and purchased a piece of art. Its was a Portrait of a Girl. Long flowing black hair and eyes that set your heart aflame.

I am entranced by her in every way. Staring at this picture I have noticed every

detail about her face. From her freckles to her flaws. She is beautiful. Although I cannot recognize her from anything. I know she is not famous. But yet my curiosity of her grows the more I look at this picture. Days go by and then weeks turn to months. I pass this portrait everyday. I am beginning to grow weary of it. The Mysterious nature of it has started to vex me to the point of frustration. I have begun to stop looking upon it. Why do I keep this damned portrait on my wall? Why don't I just throw it away? I did not pay much for it so it wouldn't be a Loss. Its old, the frame is cracked, and the glass is dingy. The photo has started to yellow. I can see the Age all on the photo. I cannot even see the beauty in her that I was once so smitten by. Finally I snatched it off my wall and tossed it into the Fireplace. I quickly grabbed a match and some kindling. Between the broken glass I can see the photo turning brown as the heat grows closer and more intense. With the crackling of the wood frame I find a place of peace because her face will no longer haunt my waking thoughts. Nothing but grey ash in the pit, I turn to my study and as I walk down the hall I notice an outline of dust. There where the picture rested for so long as clear as ever. A faded shadow of weathered wall is all that I have left. Something about that shadow made my heart grow heavy. I glanced back at the fireplace... Everything inside of me cringed because now that I have destroyed this picture, that was once so dear to me, I have nothing to salvage. Now I stare at an empty shadow on the wall of what was and what is now never again.

Emotional Randomness

How many times can you walk out of one door and never notice that its broken?

How often can you trip over something before you stop to pick it up?

How many times can you apologize before you realize that its already done?

If I told you that I was leaving would you chase me down to stop me?

Would you stand there and watch me leave?

Or would you open the door for me?

Why have I become something so easily to disregard?

You hold me so close and yet push me so far away!

The pain that your embraces causes me is almost unbearable.

Almost to the point that I still come back.

I feel sort of stupid when I think that I love you.

Because I know you dont love me.

Your that wave that crashes to the shore but leaves just as soon as it comes.

Nothing shows you were there but a line of silt in the sand.

Can I compare you to something as minor as Silt?

Have you not been important enough to leave more then that?

Why cant I seem to recall any good you have brought into my life?

I smile when I see you but then frown after talking to you.

How can you be such a Disease when Your just as much the Cure?

I feel like an addict stuck in a mirrored room.

LOST, CONFUSED, And DISTORTED!

Emotional Battle

LOVE

The hate I feel for that word grows stronger each day.

Its agony in such a sweet form.

Four letters that bring a Heavy Burden.

LOVE

You speak it with such ease.

My throat clinches as I try to swallow it.

So candy coated and sweet but so poisonous in the end.

LOVE

The weakest of people cling to it as though it was last hope.

Its the very substance of our own self Hate.

It requires your submission for its dominance.

LOVE vs. HATE

Which of these is greater.

One brings Sweet Companionship and Devastation when taken away.

And the other doesn't allow the Vulnerability that causes the Devastation.

How can something as Great as Love require Us to Expose our Weakest Spots to obtain it?

HATE

The Sting of this is Far Greater.

Once you have embraced this feeling you will find Love less.

Its a relief among the Pain.

HATE

It sharpens your Heart and Dulls your weakness.

It requires so little of you.

But consumes every part of you at the same time.

HATE

It pulls its power from Solidarity.

The more alone you are the More powerful you can be.

How do you measure such a Force of Emotion?

HATE vs. LOVE

Hate can overcome Love with the simplest of ease.

One will leave you a Hard Cold shell of a Person.

The other will leave you Thriving for the Next Fix.

Why does Hate come at such a High Cost? All consuming and relentless to anyone who crosses it!

So in this battle you have Love & Hate. One Builds you up as a Warrior and the Other Breaks you down and then turns you to stone. One allows you a conscience and remorse. The other makes your Heartless and Unforgiving.

Choose wisely for each of these is Great.