Love me like this...

Beauty free and flowing 

Freedom that knows no bounds.

Carefree Love that sees no perfection in my being...

Today I received a gift from a fellow admirer.

The most beautiful bird in the prettiest of cages.

Her wings were bright, sleek, and unruffled.

The cage was gold and had shiny things hanging all over.

He was sweet enough to place a mirror in the cage so the bird could admire her own beauty.

As he handed it to me he whispered in my ear, 

"This bird represents our Love."

His cold lips pressed to my cheek.

At that moment it meant nothing more to me but a sweet gesture. 

I placed the bird close to a window so she could feel the warmth of the sun.

She would chirp and flutter around her cage daily.  

This young vibrant bird was so energetic & graceful.

Day after Day her cheery nature would brighten my moods.

Early one morning I had noticed her chirping became quiet and faint.

The brilliance of her color has slowly fading into a dull almost colorless blend. 

She would just sit perched on the branch facing the window.

The sparkle in her tiny beaded black eyes was no more then pits of emptiness.

As I sat back in my chair, I noticed that I too was staring out that same window. 

Longing to stretch out my own wings and feel its invigorating lift to my soul.

Realizing that like this little bird, I too was caged.   Caged in my own body to a man.

His arms are the gold steel rods and his love is the shiny things that capture my attention. 

The mirror was so I could see what he was turning me into.

Weeks passed and months tun to years...

No more did I hear the chirping or the fluttering,

No more did my soul sing and no more did my feet have bountiful steps.

All there is to do now is to join my soul among the dark despair that has fallen upon it...

Sitting at that desk day after day routinely I notice this tapping noise...

It was Life so sweetly rapping at that window in the form of a long lively green tree branch in the wind...

In that instance I ran to the window, swung it open and as the wind swept in a cool breeze, I took a deep breath and was gone...

Just a whisper in the breeze....

Now and Only now does that little Bird Sing.....

Stench of a Man

He prances around like a Peacock.

Flashing all that glitters.

Grinning at his own excellence.

He struts around with a Vague meaningless expression.

Acceptance, Adoration, & Admiration are all he seeks! 

So smooth and So sleek

So confident and so cunning.

Oh how foul his vanity and conceit are to me.

Disgusted and Sick are my feeling for him.

His fragrance of arrogance stings my nostrils as he walks by.  

Breathing him in is as foul as the decay of mortal flesh falling off the bones.

And yet we still breath him in and we still fancy those feathers he waves around.

...small things

His spirit wraps my soul just as the blanket we shared.

For that moment I was more then what I was when I walked in.

His crooked grim & his intrigued gaze just captures me.

Many men have come & many have gone...But this one just seems to belong.

Its like a puzzle that is almost coming together and the picture is more clear.

Although its missing significant amounts of pieces...I can see his beauty in its lack

of wholeness. Its the imperfections that draw me like a moth to the light.

Never knowing whether it was going to be the last time I looked upon his splendor..

The mystery of his dark eyes and the touch of his fingertips...

The softness of his skin and the rough emotional scars he wears...

Pain is beauty...

Suffering is graceful...

And Loneliness is merciful...

For all of these we bare alone and it build us up & on...

Here

He stood there chuckling as if he were amusing by attempting to put his finger in my nose.

Annoyied and irritated were starting to replace happy and carefree when we were together.

The stupid look on his face as I talked to him was the worse. He always thought it was cute.

I guess my misleading giggles were what encouraged him.

He reminded me of the washed up clown that had achieved nothing in life and was just clinging to his old routine.

Too bad Im not a 4 year old child drooling as I gazed in complete wonder at his Hysterical act..

Seems I am always waiting for that stupid rubber chicken to come out of his pocket when he reaches for his wallet.

I swear some day it will be there!!

Often while I lay next to him at night I cant help but feel like a mother to him.

I run my hand over his forehead and into his hair.

Just watching him sleep makes me realize that under all this silliness is a man.

A very lost man...I wonder different ways that I can help him find his way.

But I know that I am not the one for this!

His journey has to start with him. Helplessness falls upon me when I realize that.

Letting him go seems to be the best thing because I know that us together is not good.

I am struggling to find my own way in life. How can I take on both of us?

Maybe that is why I am angry...

Angry that I cannot help him while trying to help myself. Angry that my life isn't where I would like it to be.

I realized after my 26th birthday that I was living in Denial about my whole life.

Never really thought I was unhappy until recently. I guess its just something that I have to get use to.

The thought of disappearing settles my mind, althougth I know its impossible!

Just in a poof of smoke I would be gone...and leave people wondering! The greatest deception of all!

The glitter & glitz of the spotlight. Showing people only what they want to see. Being the tricky sneak!

So what makes my disappearing act any different then the washed up clown?

Seems like we are both rowing the same boat...just in differnt directions!!

Choking Silence

Sitting in a candle lit bathroom relaxing in a hot tub.

I lay back with the heavy weight of our first fight.

Trying to solve the situation in my head but coming to a dead end.

Just one room away from you I know you can hear me talking.

Provoking the situation I say things that I know will cut you to the core.

Sad when I cannot get any emotion from you but anger!

But at least it is something.

I took your silence as an insult. So I grasped my glass of vodka and drank.

Setting it down on the side of the tub, I closed my eyes and lay back in the water.

With my eyes closed I could still see the flickering light of the candle on my eyelids.

The only sound I could hear was my heart beat and my deep breathes.

Falling into a calm sleep I just floated there.

As I laid there I had a feeling come over me like a Dark Cloud.

I open my eyes and grasp the side of the tub.

You stood over me with eyes of Rage.

The candle light cast a shadow across your face that Left me terrified.

My glass of vodka fell into the tub and broke, with one swift move your hands wrapped around my neck.

You plunge my head into the water…Scratching and fighting, I try to pry your hands away.

I could still see your face as I was submerged under the water. Unclear but the look stayed the same.

The Rage could be felt with your tight grip.

It seemed the more I struggled the harder you tried to keep me under.

All the love that we shared and all the passion we had was No longer there.

Your passion was no longer about loving me but letting me go,

And in my death would that be.

The unconsciousness was starting to set in. I could feel my life slipping away.

I made my final attempt to save myself. But I was too late.

My last gasp for air filled my lungs with water. At first it was painful but was

quickly relieved with the numbness of death.

A tingly feeling came across my body; I guess that was my soul leaving me.

That heart beat I once could hear so clearly was nothing more then a slow steady fade into a Choking Silence.

A True Crime of Passion.

Murderous Love & Passionate Jealousy

Both are something I crave and yet I am terrified of.

Who could love me so much and feel so much?

What type of man would that bring to my door?

I know just the type of man.

I met him one night while out on the town.

He stood there dark & mysterious.

His face was clean shaven and smooth.

His body was sturdy and tone and his eyes were deep endless pools of desire.

In the moment we shared of eye contact I felt as though I was drowning.

Being brought back to my reality by the shake of a friend, I shook off his enchantment.

Danger is all I felt that whole night when I saw his face, but my insides yearned for him.

In the middle of this crowded dance floor with my friends we were all just dancing and laughing. And his face begins to fade in the drunken haze of the night. Stumbling off the dance floor I feel some grab me by my waist and embrace me tightly. In a panic I tried to release his grip but he was reluctant to let go. Instead he pulled me close, so close I could feel his breath on the back of my neck. Chills over whelmed my body. As we slowly danced to the music my heart was on fire. Who is this man? Why do I feel like this? I have fallen into a spider web and lay helplessly awaiting the bit!

(INCOMPLETE)

Worthless

I went to an Art Gallery today and purchased a piece of art. Its was a Portrait of a Girl. Long flowing black hair and eyes that set your heart aflame.

I am entranced by her in every way. Staring at this picture I have noticed every

detail about her face. From her freckles to her flaws. She is beautiful. Although I cannot recognize her from anything. I know she is not famous. But yet my curiosity of her grows the more I look at this picture. Days go by and then weeks turn to months. I pass this portrait everyday. I am beginning to grow weary of it. The Mysterious nature of it has started to vex me to the point of frustration. I have begun to stop looking upon it. Why do I keep this damned portrait on my wall? Why don't I just throw it away? I did not pay much for it so it wouldn't be a Loss. Its old, the frame is cracked, and the glass is dingy. The photo has started to yellow. I can see the Age all on the photo. I cannot even see the beauty in her that I was once so smitten by. Finally I snatched it off my wall and tossed it into the Fireplace. I quickly grabbed a match and some kindling. Between the broken glass I can see the photo turning brown as the heat grows closer and more intense. With the crackling of the wood frame I find a place of peace because her face will no longer haunt my waking thoughts. Nothing but grey ash in the pit, I turn to my study and as I walk down the hall I notice an outline of dust. There where the picture rested for so long as clear as ever. A faded shadow of weathered wall is all that I have left. Something about that shadow made my heart grow heavy. I glanced back at the fireplace... Everything inside of me cringed because now that I have destroyed this picture, that was once so dear to me, I have nothing to salvage. Now I stare at an empty shadow on the wall of what was and what is now never again.